Coffee Fix
by Cupid's Jinx
Summary: Emmett is entrusted to take care of Bella whilst Edward, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie are out hunting. Esme and Carlisle are on one of their many honeymoons. You know what this spells...T-R-O-U-B-L-E! ONESHOT


Coffee Fix

_**Coffee Fix**_

**Summary: Emmett is entrusted to take care of Bella whilst Edward, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie are out hunting. Esme and Carlisle are on one of their many honeymoons. You know what this spells...T-R-O-U-B-L-E!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Malibu, 'Blow Your Whistle' by The Rimshots, Krispy Kreams, Smarties...uh, basically I own nothing mentioned below... Though I do suggest you read/drink/listen to/eat each of them!**

"Bell-a...Oh Bella, where are you?" Emmett sang, creeping around the third floor of the Cullen mansion with a thermos flask full of coffee.

Bella backed further into the attic, away from the door, and into the depths of many years worth of old toys, game stations and televisions.

"Smelly Belly, come out, come out, where ever you are!"

"_Smelly Belly_?" Bella mouthed to herself.

She silently cursed her family for believing Emmett when he said that he could look after her whilst they were hunting.

_How could Alice and Edward not see this happening? Jasper not feel the mischief radiating off Emmett?_ She thought, creeping further into the room, black as pitch, using her human ears as her only guidance.

"Bella! Your big teddy bear of a brother has a nice big thermos flask of steaming coffee, just for you!"

What the big vampire bear failed to mention, was that this flask of coffee was actually an Irish coffee. Which, to those of you who don't know, is coffee with whiskey. Only a small amount of whiskey would normally be used, but Emmett didn't realise that when he found out about it. So it was actually whiskey with some coffee. A very, very small amount of coffee.

Bella gulped, and called out from her hiding spot, "Emmett, don't you dare give me coffee."

Emmett's head snapped in the direction of his little sister's voice, and started moving slowly and silently across the hall.

"Why not, Smelly Belly?"

"B-because...think of what Edward would do to you!"

Emmett smirked as he homed in on her exact location, knowing a secret passage way leading into the attic. It just so happened to be situated in Edward and Bella's room, behind the CD shelves.

He crept closer to the bedroom, relishing in the fact that Esme hated creaking doors, and so regularly oiled ever hinge to be found in the home.

"But we're having so much fun!"

"No, Emmett! You've already fed me enough pixie stixs. And, and...what about all those Reece's Pieces!?"

"Don't deny it, Bells, you loved those little peanut butter chocolate cups."

"C'mon, Emmy! Surely my sugar dose is high enough. I don't need caffeine to be added to the mix, too."

Emmett was silent as he went closer to the secret door.

"...Emmett?"

There was no answer.

"Um. Emmett? Where are you?" Bella gulped.

"Boo."

Bella screamed, and spun around, hand on her thumping heart.

Emmett was cackling madly, doubled over with his arms wrapped around his waist.

Still breathing heavily, Bella folded her arms, and struck a pose that she had learned from Rosalie, she scowled at him.

"Ah, ah, Bella! Your – Hahaha! – reaction – snicker – just too funny!" He started laughing again.

Bella started tapping her foot.

Once Emmett's laughing had finally ceased, he looked at Bella, and then gulped.

"Emmett. McCarty. Cullen." She seethed, her words in time with her foot tapping.

Emmett's eyes darted around for escape, "Y-yes?"

She scowled again. "Don't do that again, or I swear, I will not stop Edward from breaking all your games."

Emmett pouted, "Owh! C'mon, Bells! You _know_ that my games have all my high scores on! You can't do that."

She sighed, "Emmett. Please. Just stop."

Emmett hung his head in shame, then brought his head up slowly, turning on his last known power of defence against his younger sister.

_Oh no. Not bambi eyes._ Bella internally cringed.

_Mwahaha! I am Emmett! All powerful!_

"Bel-la..." He started dragging his foot across the wooden flooring.

Bella bit her lip, "Mhm?"

"Bel-la...can you please, please, _please_ drink this?" He thrust the thermos flask at her, still pouting and unleashing his bambi eyes once more.

Bella sighed dejectedly, and took the warm flask from her brother.

Emmett clapped his hands in glee, watching her drink the entire contents in one go.

"There, happy? Now, let's get out of here before I get piled on by decades of rubbish."

Emmett walked Bella out of the attic through the main door, not daring to show her the way he had come in.

"Emmett? What else did you put in the coffee?"

"Whiskey!" Emmett told her enthusiastically.

"Oh...How much?"

"Uhm...I dunno...a lot?"

"Oh."

Bella – whom had not consumed much alcohol in her eighteen years – was soon intoxicated, and dancing around the living room with a large bottle of Malibu in her hand, dancing to 'Blow Your Whistle' by The Rimshots when their siblings and spouses came back from their hunting trip.

"_It goes 7-6-5-4-3-2-1 go get up, take a record and get up, take a record and get up..." _she slurred, jumping up on to the coffee table.

Alice noticed that Bella was dressed in a 70's style dress.

Edward was staring, transfixed at his wife.

Jasper and Rosalie were trying to contain their laughter.

Emmett, on the other hand, was walking in from the kitchen with a plate full of Krispy Kreams.

"Bells! Looky what I got!"

Both Bella and Emmett weren't aware of their audience.

Bella spun around, and gasped at the spread, before jumping down – gracefully – and running towards Emmett. Not tripping once.

"Emmy Bear! Doughnuts! Yay!" Bella started bouncing up and down, looking uncannily like Alice.

Rosalie gasped, "Only _I _call Emmett Emmy Bear!"

Bella and Emmett heard Rosalie, and turned to face them.

"Eddie!" Bella screamed, sprinting towards her husband, and jumping into his arms.

Edward huffed, "Bella."

"Eddie, I looooooooove you!" Bella tried to give Edward a sloppy kiss, but he kept her at arms length.

Emmett looked sheepish, and rubbed the back of his neck. Rosalie strode over, and smacked him on the back of the head.

"Idiot, Emmett McCarty Cullen. What the hell have you given her?"

"I, uhm...I..."

"I can tell you, Rosie!" Bella sang.

Rosalie flinched at the nickname, but reminded herself that Bella was drunk, and possibly high, "What has he given you, Bella?"

Bella started ticking the stuff off on her fingers, "...Smarties - the original blue colour, and, um...oh, I've ran out of fingers...Edward, hold up your hand, please...thank you. Okay, um, oh, yeah! The Malibu, and, and...and OREOs! Oh gosh, those were yummy...and...that's all I can 'memba."

Edward sighed, and looked at Alice, "Take her upstairs and get her ready for bed, would you?"

Alice nodded, taking Bella from his arms and running up to Edward's bedroom.

Edward watched the stairs until the bedroom door could be heard being closed, and then turned to Emmett.

"What on Earth were you thinking, Emmett?!"

"He wasn't." Rosalie grumbled.

"Now, Edward. Let's think rationally here, yes?" Emmett started backing up, the doughnuts still in his hand.

"I don't think I can think rationally, Emmett. You got my wife _drunk_. You got her on a _sugar high_. You gave her _coffee_. Emmett."

"And drugs."

"What?" Edward turned to Jasper.

"Can't you smell that? That's cannabis."

Emmett started shifting from one foot to the other nervously.

Edward and Rosalie sniffed the air, and found Jasper's statement to be true.

"Emmett!" Rosalie shouted in shock.

"What? Edward said that he wanted Bella to live as many human thingies as possible before she became one of us. I was just helping!"

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, "Emmett."

"Y-yes?"

"Run."

A "_Fuck_" could be heard in the place where Emmett had just been standing.

Not seconds later, Edward had also disappeared.

Rosalie and Jasper glanced at each other, nodded, and went up to their respective bedrooms, leaving Emmett to defend himself against the wrath of Edward.

_**One Week Later**_

**Here Lies Emmett McCarty Cullen**

**Dearly Beloved Son, Husband, and Brother**

**Died: 22****nd**** June 2008**

Edward let out an exasperated sigh, "This is completely idiotic."

Rosalie clenched her fists, "I'm going to kill him."

"Technically, he's already dead." Alice grumbled.

"What's the- oh dear." Bella shook her head.

"So, um...who's going to pay?" The UPS Delivery boy asked, feeling incredibly intimidated.

Jasper looked up, and held out his hand with a sigh, "I guess we have to pay for it."

The boy ran back to his van, and sped down the drive, leaving the five siblings at the doorway with a headstone.

"Who's up for a game of Smash-Emmett's-Most-Prized-Possessions?"

Rosalie grinned at her new sister, and hugged her, "Welcome to the family, Bells!"

"Nooooo!" Emmett could be heard screaming, fifteen miles away from the Cullen home.

**A.N: Evil? Who, me? Why thank you!**

**Review, please!**

**Lyra**

**-x-**


End file.
